Tuesday, April 3, 2007

A Lesson in Human History - Author Unknown

The following was discovered in the Spanky library and composed by unknown author. While I find no accompanying sources - it could happen. Does your family history have any resemblance to this thesis and if so, do you feel your political outlook has been shaped by your family history? What say you?
A Lesson in Human History
The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer.This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives became to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes,and generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

9 comments:

j morgan said...

Nice history lesson! I hope you are not to attached to BBQ because I heard on the radio that global warming fanatics are setting their sights on this favorite outdoor past time.

Spanky said...

After further research of my archives, Great, Great, Great......, Uncle Og left me this bit of wisdom - control food, control man.

j morgan said...

The global warming fanatix/gov't of Belgium has approved a tax on BBQ beginning in June. The "experts" say that between 50 and 100 grams of CO2 is emmitted during BBQing. They will have to pay 20 Euros to BBQ. The gov't will monitor this by way of helicopter. WOW! It is the beginning of the end.

j morgan said...

That is almost $27 per BBQ event.

Civil Sentient said...

It's a natural law that you have to burn meat over a fire every so often. The GWF's can pry my rib from my cold dead hands!

we saw that... said...

the belgium bar be que tax story was an april fools day joke.

lyndon johnson also said that he knew the difference between chicken salad and chicken shit.

carolyn said...

I don't have cable, so was a bodyguard discussed at a budget meeting? This has to be a joke!
Right? Info from cenlaantics!!!!

Spanky said...

Carolyn,
I have been trying to stay uninformed as of late as my head is getting much fatter than I find attractive not that I find my head particularly attractive in the first place but would not want to part with it any time soon. I do believe someone made the comment on another blog that the proposed security was for the complex - which I have not verified.

Civil Sentient said...

I will check on the guard hiring and report AFTER the holiday. May ya'll have a happy and safe Easter.

Remember why we Easter. Please attend the church of your choice or just talk a walk and speak with God a while.

For those of you non Christians, I hope ya'll enjoy the weather as it's truly nice.